Sunday, April 04, 2010


Just as I got out of the bed this morning, I realized that computing is all wrong!

My old laptops have all been the same: the same keyboard, the same mouse. Perhaps my next laptop shouldn't have a keyboard. Not that I have anything against a keyboard, but my friends make fun of how fast I type. It looks too nerdy. I need something that will slow me down, like an on-screen keyboard. Even cooler if I need to hold it with one hand while I tap with the other. That's bound to get me noticed at Starbucks. It would be ideal if this thing was uncomfortable to use on a desk, so I am forced to use it outside the home.

When I started thinking about replacing my laptop, I began imagining what my next computer would be like. For once, I wanted something you couldn't connect to my home network easily, because ethernet sounds so dorky! Wi-Fi, now that's cool. This thing should have Wi-Fi. Only Wi-fi. I have been growing tired of my home movie collection, so it would be best if I couldn't copy it onto this new device. Perhaps some program could disallow me from copying my music and movies freely. So I can buy newer, cooler stuff. And, I can donate my DVD collection to the less fortunate.

Ideally it should be difficult, if not impossible, to change the battery. I don't want to give people the impression that I know how this computer works! If someone asks me how it works, I can just tell them, "It's magical"! Technology is so confusing. Oh, and Barbie is right and Math is hard. No, really!

It also occurred to me that cables are too confusing and messy. No cables anymore. Actually, no connections at all. If the computer had a USB connector, it might look too messy. Ok, maybe just one connector. But it better be something totally different, so I cannot plug in anything old.

I'm tired of all the companies making different computers, all of which do the same thing. Ideally my next computer would only be made by one company, so I don't have to think about the replacement. It would help if the computer was also more expensive, because this would show that I'm a man of good taste, and would justify my purchase. And don't even think of upgrading. Poor people upgrade to first class. I'm already there.

I know that there are many useful desktop applications. But most of them are used by boring people that do work on them. Eww. This new computer must match my fun personality. It shouldn't have any application that could be remotely connected to work. Everything should be newly written for this magical device. All for me. Everything should say, "This dude's having fun. He isn't working. He doesn't need to." After all, laptops are used for work, and only boring people work! Also, common riff-raff shouldn't be allowed to write apps for my computer. Hackers and geeks can go do their Linux elsewhere. (Or is it Lunix? Who cares.) This computer should do as much as a phone can. Minimalism, you know. Someone should also control my computer for me, because I already think it will be too magical for me to understand. Only the most perfect applications should be allowed, so I don't have to choose between two music players. Who needs different music players anyway?

You know, I spend most of my time browsing the web. So this computer should be able to do that. But not the whole web: especially those with video might look too different. So no video sites, probably no video at all. Just news sites, and sites where I can buy hipster gear. But no low-quality, cheap-ass video. Just the highest quality content for me: piped straight to my computer through some high-quality program, written by the best of the best: dudes like me.

See, computing can be so much better! I hope some company makes this so I can express my individuality, um, ..., by buying it.